Love by Example
Treat yourself as you wish to be treated
As the full moon wanes, bringing us into the Revising phase of the DOER cycle, and Venus moves into Aries, sparking some spice (for better or for worse) in our romantic lives, now feels like the ideal time to ask ourselves:
How am I training people to treat me?
But first, I wanted to toss out a quick no-strings-attached offer to any fellow/sister nonfiction authors. I finally bit the bullet and bought Publisher Rocket so I could help my current Memoir Midwifery client find the keywords and categories that will help her hit #1 new release status in multiple categories. And now that I’ve realized how easy it is to use, I’d love to get a little more practice in. If you’re approaching a launch (or will at some point), message me (or raise your hand in the comments, and I’ll message you) for a free keywords and categories consultation.
Now then, on with the show…
Loving by example
I’ve always believed that the best way to lead is by example. So when it comes to love, I’ve always treated my partners the way I wanted to be treated, hoping they would learn from my example.
Spoiler alert: that doesn’t work.
Instead, my partners have consistently treated me the way I treated myself: as Supportive Sidekick to the Hero/Main Character/Starring Role I cast them in.
Needs? Why, my only need is to see you happy!
Ambitions? My only ambition is to see you succeed.
Expenses? Only if there’s anything leftover after you’ve taken what you need. Otherwise, I can go without. Again.
It’s easy to cast blame on the seemingly endless string of partners who accepted and ultimately took advantage (wittingly or no) of that dynamic. But the truth is, not only did I permit them to treat me that way, but I showed them how. I led by example, not in how I treated them, but in how I treated myself.
Let me say it a little louder for the folx in the back:
People learn how to love us by the way we love ourselves.
So to be loved the way we deeply desire to be loved, we must first learn to love ourselves in exactly that way. To treat ourselves precisely as we wish to be treated in a relationship, even when we are not in one.
We must learn to love by example.
Woo Yourself
Be honest: how have you always wanted to be wooed?
Save up some money and take yourself on your ideal first date. Spare no expense; you’re worth every penny!
The best part is: no guesswork. You know exactly what you like.
Take yourself to your favorite restaurant and order your favorite foods.
See that show you’ve always wanted to experience live.
Get a massage and a facial at that spa you’ve always wanted to go to.
Go buy yourself that thing you keep hoping someone else will buy for you.
Spoil yourself absolutely rotten.
Let the Universe know this is how you expect to be treated henceforth by saying out loud, “More like this, please!”
Support Yourself
After that first date, don’t let the spark fade! Keep treating yourself the way you want to be treated.
Anytime you realize you need something, provide it for yourself immediately.
Take that hot bath with the herbal bath bomb.
Buy that magical tool you’ve had your eye on.
Set up that appointment you’ve been putting off.
Care for yourself like you’re the high-paid personal assistant to your favorite celebrity, leader, or whoever it is you admire most. Whatever they want, they get.
If you need help and support you can’t provide for yourself, reach out to your network and ask, expecting to receive it in full.
What you put up with, you end up with
A huge part of how we treat ourselves is what we are and are not willing to accept from others. This requires two interdependent skill sets: discernment and boundary setting.
Discernment
Before we can set a boundary, we first need to know what we will and will not accept.
This can be incredibly challenging, especially for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional households where disrespect and emotional manipulation were not only routinely accepted but were the primary modes of communication. Just do your best, recognizing that you will learn as you go.
Start by making a list of behaviors you no longer wish to experience from an intimate partner. For example:
Cruel, emotionally abusive language
Unsolicited criticism or advice
Force, coercion, or controlling behavior
Then, describe the opposite of that behavior. For example:
Kind words of encouragement
Compassionate listening and holding space
Gestures of empowerment and support
Now, here’s the tricky part. Every time you catch yourself doing something on List A, substitute it for its counterpart on List B.
So, for example, if you catch yourself indulging in negative self-talk, immediately follow it with some kind words of encouragement. If you find yourself feeling pressured to do something that does not align with your values, even if you are the one pressuring you to do it, empower yourself to resist!
Boundary Setting
Now that we know which behaviors we will no longer accept, from ourselves or anyone else, it’s time to decide how we will protect ourselves from those behaviors next time they crop up.
For example:
Henceforth, I will no longer accept emotionally abusive language. If it should occur, I will protect myself by exiting the conversation until kinder language is used.
Remember to focus on that part of this that you control: your response to the behavior. We cannot control anyone else’s behavior. Period.
Once you start treating yourself the way you long to be treated and protecting yourself from being treated in ways that don’t work for you, you’ll be amazed at how those around you fall in line.
Better yet, when you love by example, you lead by example, offering your loved ones permission to love themselves just as fiercely as you do.